Because I Feel I Should

I plan to print this blog as our family history.  Because of this, I have been thinking very carefully about what I want my children reading.  I want them to learn from my mistakes as well as grow from my testimony.  I want them to see how darn cute they were and all the cute things they said.  But there was a major area of our life that I have been unsure of what to write.  SMA.  I wasn't sure how Benson would feel reading about his life with SMA as a baby, how that impacted our life and how I felt watching all of it going on.  So, after stewing about it for weeks and a few prayers, I was still kind of unsure.  I asked my sister what she thought.  She mentioned how it's an opportunity for me to teach Benson through my blog.  I instantly knew that was my answer.  Maybe how I have learned to accept SMA will somehow help Benson accept it.  I pray that the Lord will inspire me as I write this blog.  I feel so inadequate to do this, to care for Benson, and to teach him the tools he will need in this life.  Parenting has been humbling, but this takes things to a whole new level.
I try to tell myself all the time that SMA doesn't make things that different for our family or for Benson.  I want him to experience life the same as someone who doesn't have SMA.  But in reality, everything is different.  My perspective is different.  It's not a bad different though, it's just different.  I love that poem, "Welcome to Holland."  The more time passes, the more I fully understand and appreciate this poem.  It's still an amazing journey, although it is a different one.  It's different experiences, different heart aches, different happiness.  Accepting it as different, and not a disappointment, is the key to accepting it.
I always imagined living in a three story home.  I thought we would have all our bedrooms upstairs and living areas downstairs.  I am slowly re-building my dream home in my mind.  It is a rambler, with minimal use of a basement and an elevator.  My dream car was probably the Yukon Denali.  I'm starting to look into mini-vans so that we can have a conversion kit for the power wheelchair.  Anytime I consider any toy for anyone in the family, I evaluate whether or not Benson would be able to play with it.  While I realize Vanessa has her own toys and Benson has his own toys, they both play with each other's toys all the time.  I want all the toys in our house to be accessible to both of them, at least while they are this young.  Plus, I feel like this will help build their relationship and help them play together better.  For our home remodel plans, the playroom is #2 on the list.  It's only #2 because #1 is painting a room that has some crazy colors and it's a quick job.  All our time and money after that will go into adapting a play area.  We have big plans for this room.  Jon and I are both super excited about it.  We want so badly for Benson to have more independence and be able to do what he wants, play with what he wants, when he wants.  Not when mom is done taking a shower, or dad is done feeding Brigham.
I have been very concerned lately with teaching our kids self-esteem and self-confidence.  I feel this will serve them well throughout their lives.  The thought that has been most strongly resonating with me lately has been to teach them the gospel.  I feel like I need to teach them that they are children of God, that He loves them unconditionally, and that is where they get their worth.  Not from being pretty, or strong, or stylish, or smart.  Now, I just have to figure out how to teach a 2 and 3 year old these things.  I have some ideas, so I'll update about how they are going.